Saturday, March 1, 2014

self loathing is setting in today

One word to describe myself ... loser! Here I sit, wearing a royal blue one piece called a "forever lazy" ( tear in my eye ) gilt ridden over last nights over indulgence. Pizza ... chocolate hazelnut dessert. It was so good and I hate myself for eating it! Problem is ... I'll do it again today! I will obsess over eating only veggies or no wheat ... then I will somehow forget all the self loathing that comes after the binge ... and I will literally eat something crappy all over again! I want to sit here and say that I need to break free of these chains that hold me down ... but I can't say that. Out of fear of ever going back to that sad fat little girl with frizz hair and braces. I mean in theory life would be better if I would just let go and enjoy myself. But then I try on clothes in a poor lit dressing room and am reminded that I have the craziest body of all time!!!!!!!!!!! So I guess for now I just keep with this pathetic cycle day in and day out and hope that I can stop the hand that feeds this mouth! Help! I can hear the boys calling me bubble but like it was yesterday! don't let me go back!!!!!

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